Petrelis Files

Gay NYT Sex Addict Gives More Details;
What About Vetting?

I've heard back from Benoit Denizet-Lewis about my recent post expressing concerns with his "Modern Love" for the NY Times. My response follows his note:

Subject: Hey Michael

Thanks for your interest in my Modern Love essay and book.

Just FYI, when you are a sex addict and you get blocking software for your computer, you don't keep the password. That pretty much defeats the purpose. You let a friend pick the password and secure a promise that he won't give it to you. So that's why I went and bought a new computer. (I returned the new computer a few days later when I snapped back to reality.)

As for driving far to get laid, you're right, it was pretty dumb! I was decent looking and could get plenty of guys closer to home. But addiction isn't very logical. I did some stupid shit in the pursuit of sex. I once flew from Boston to Chicago to meet someone for a hookup who I thought was really, really hot.

Sorry I didn't include whether I "swallowed."

Finally, your insinuation that I might be inventing all of this is pretty astonishing. Coming out in the New York Times as a sex addict would be the LAST thing I would choose to invent.

I could be wrong, but I suspect that your real problem with my story is your displeasure with or disbelief in the concept of sex addiction? I fully understand why some gay men might bristle at anything that might further pathologize sex, so if that's the case, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts.

Take Care,

Benoit Denizet-Lewis
Contributing Writer
New York Times Magazine
www.americaanonymous.com

And here's my response to him.

Hey Benoit,

Puh-leeze, Louise. Yes, you're are wrong. As an almost-50-year-old gay man living with HIV in San Francisco, I've been around the queer sex block a few times and don't doubt for a moment the existence of sexual addictions/obsessions/compulsions/fetishes and what have you.

My concerns regarding your memoir are more general and related to the following people, books and problems with the NY Times verification standards:

Former reporter Jayson Blair, phony NYT purportedly from the gay Mayor of Paris, James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces," JT Leroy's "The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things," Herman Rosenblat's "Angel at the Fence," Margaret B. Jones' "Love and Consequences," and Binjamin Wilkormirski's "Fragments."

Before I borrow your new book from the public library and spend a few hours reading it, I would like two things.

First, a statement from your book publisher, Simon and Schuster, explaining how your memoir was vetted. The second thing is, a note from the NY Times about their vetting of your recent column.

Towards those ends, I've requested vetting proof from your publicist at Simon and Schuster, and Catherine Mathis, communications chief for the NY Times.

The reason why I've emailed her is because I tried to make my request to the modernlove@nytimes.com addy, and couldn't. This is part of the automated standard reply I received from that addy:

The editors of Modern Love are interested in receiving deeply personal essays about contemporary relationships, marriage, dating, parenthood...any subject that might reasonably fit under the heading "Modern Love." Ideally, essays should spring from
some central dilemma the writer has faced in his or her life. It helps if the situation has a contemporary edge, though this is not essential. Most important is that the writing be emotionally honest and the story be freshly and compellingly told.

Please note it doesn't say one of the most important things for the essays is the truth. In these times, in which the NY Times is still rebuilding readers' trust after the Jayson Blair plagiarism and fabrication scandal, and the paper not authenticating a hoax letter supposedly from the gay Mayor of Paris before publishing it, I'd feel more inclined to trust what a writer is saying in the "Modern Love" space, if the paper's standards stressed the necessity of the truth.

I look forward to hearing back from Simon and Schuster and Catherine Mathis explaining how they vetted your story.

Best regards,
Michael