Petrelis Files

Sister None-of-the-Above 
Wins 60% of Votes for S.F. Mayor

Breaking news from the Baron von Munchausen wire:

The San Francisco Comical
November 11, 2011

Miraculous Upset in Mayor's Race
by I.M. Biased and Count de Monet

The latest novitiate to join the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, Sister None-of-the-Above, has been declared the winner of Tuesday's mayoral race, a shocking result for the political and business establishments, and nothing more than a yawn for the largest bloc of voters.

Pundit and university professor Corey Cooking-Uppa-Quote explained the importance of the electoral upset, seen by the Sisters and their myriad supporters as divine intervention. "This means years of future work for me and fielding calls from the media that will maintain my high profile," he said.

With practically all of the votes counted (7,000 outstanding), and twelves rounds of reallocating votes under ranked choice voting rules, Sister None-of-the-Above has been elected mayor with 60% of vote according to the latest tallies from the Department of Elections.

"I'm thrilled that of all registered voters in this overwhelming liberal and progressive city, just under 60% stayed home or didn't bother to use their mail-in ballots," said Sister None-of-the-Above to her backers in each of the municipality's eleven supervisorial districts. "Being on the bottom of the ballot listing really paid off for my butt!"

Sister None-of-the-Above, whose birth name was Dick Hertz before it was legally changed, promised her first order of business would be to ask all mayoral losers who accepted public funding to refund The City the cost of a single vote paid for with municipal money.

For City Assessor Phil Ting the amount would equal a robust $383 at the top of the losers' list, while for Supervisor John Avalos' refund would amount to a paltry $17.

"At a time when San Francisco's vital services have been drastically reduced because of budgetary cuts, we need politicians who were publicly-funded to show symbolic sympathy with the city and give back a portion of the taxpayer dollars they spent - even if it means from their own personal bank accounts," the mayor-elect Sister said from her convent in the Castro district.

Interim Mayor Ed Lee, who came in second, was shocked at his loss to the political novice who bested him. "Gosh, with Willie Brown and Rose Pak pulling my strings and all the stops out, I fully expected to prevail and keep on representing downtown business interests from Room 200 at City Hall. Why didn't all those independent expenditure groups deliver a better voter turnout for me?"

At 4:00 pm on Friday, the Department of Elections will release the latest, and possibly last, ranked-choice vote tallies. Click here for more information.